eglantine_br (eglantine_br) wrote,

Things and Stuff and Things

I am very close to unemployable. I can get jobs, I usually do a good interview. But I get so anxious being watched in a work setting that I make stupid mistakes. Then the employer starts talking about focus, and confidence, and starts wondering why I am making the same mistakes over and over. I get more and more tense, and do more and more things wrong, and they all become baffled and angry. The friendships that might have bloomed with other workers don't, because everyone is so uncomfortable.

This is why, for years I did not have a job, except for the dog-walking. Dogs don't judge. But I cannot dog-walk in Coney Island. It is not safe here and now for that.

But in the last month I have gotten a job. I am doing phone fund-raising, for a bunch of charities. I like it all right. I can do a good phone voice, and I like the little snips of peoples lives when I call them. Most of the people have given to the particular charities before, so that makes it easier. I am getting money from about half the people I call.

But, as Homer Simpson once said, working really cuts into my sitting around time! And I can feel the anxiety creeping up again. Other people are doing much better than me, some of them have been there longer, but not all. I don't know what is going to happen.

The days are very quiet here, when I am here. I have been trying to wrestle the Marlowe thing into some sort of sense. It was written as a series of loosely connected snips. I want to see if I can make it into a sensible narrative. (Or maybe two. The parts about Kit's early life seem to me different than the parts with him and Tom Kyd.)

I have also been reading back over the Hornblower stuff; reading mine, and others too. How would you guys feel about doing some sort of Following Sea old work remix? Not an assigned thing, but like, everyone just choose something and write a piece connected to it? Maybe a sequel or pre-quel? Maybe an au or different POV? We could pick a date to post them by. I would be willing to do the legwork to keep track of it all, if anyone wanted in. What so you say? It might be fun.

And I have been watching the election. Today all the repubs are repudiating Trump and saying that they are SHOCKED that he is a disrespecter of women. They are saying that they themselves have daughters, and wives and moms, and they cannot imagine... Two things about that: thing the first: they knew all along what kind of monster he was and is. They were fine with that. This is what they wanted. Now it is too late to be scared because they have the monster by the ears and dare not let go. Thing two is is this: It is a little late to remember that men exist within a framework of women. Most people have a sister or a daughter or a wife, one of those. And everyone had a mom, if only for a while. Did they really think that someone who was so deep down ugly, would not speak and act that way? I cannot believe any of those old men were fooled. But I am damn sure their wives, mothers, daughters and sisters were not. If those old rich men were in a quandry, which I doubt, they should have asked their mothers.

I have been watching the footage of Hurricane Matthew. Very glad I don't live in Jax any more. Of course we had Sandy right here in Coney Island. We did not live in Coney then, but in Sunset Park which is much higher ground. We were not part of the flooding. And it is flooding from the sea that causes most of the trouble. Coney was devastated. Place has still not recovered. (For example, there is a little community garden here, with chickens and sucks and vegetables growing. It is cheerful to see, and a good idea. But I wish they would just grow flowers. I would not dare to eat anything grown in the soil here. It is full of contamination from years of ugly industry, which was sort of contained until Sandy.)

Looking at Florida, very strange to see places I knew, underwater. Still Florida will be ok. DR and Haiti will have a harder time. Lots of people here have family back there. They must be frantic with worry.

Hope you are all well.
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