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Things and Stuff and Things

I am very close to unemployable. I can get jobs, I usually do a good interview. But I get so anxious being watched in a work setting that I make stupid mistakes. Then the employer starts talking about focus, and confidence, and starts wondering why I am making the same mistakes over and over. I get more and more tense, and do more and more things wrong, and they all become baffled and angry. The friendships that might have bloomed with other workers don't, because everyone is so uncomfortable.

This is why, for years I did not have a job, except for the dog-walking. Dogs don't judge. But I cannot dog-walk in Coney Island. It is not safe here and now for that.

But in the last month I have gotten a job. I am doing phone fund-raising, for a bunch of charities. I like it all right. I can do a good phone voice, and I like the little snips of peoples lives when I call them. Most of the people have given to the particular charities before, so that makes it easier. I am getting money from about half the people I call.

But, as Homer Simpson once said, working really cuts into my sitting around time! And I can feel the anxiety creeping up again. Other people are doing much better than me, some of them have been there longer, but not all. I don't know what is going to happen.

The days are very quiet here, when I am here. I have been trying to wrestle the Marlowe thing into some sort of sense. It was written as a series of loosely connected snips. I want to see if I can make it into a sensible narrative. (Or maybe two. The parts about Kit's early life seem to me different than the parts with him and Tom Kyd.)

I have also been reading back over the Hornblower stuff; reading mine, and others too. How would you guys feel about doing some sort of Following Sea old work remix? Not an assigned thing, but like, everyone just choose something and write a piece connected to it? Maybe a sequel or pre-quel? Maybe an au or different POV? We could pick a date to post them by. I would be willing to do the legwork to keep track of it all, if anyone wanted in. What so you say? It might be fun.

And I have been watching the election. Today all the repubs are repudiating Trump and saying that they are SHOCKED that he is a disrespecter of women. They are saying that they themselves have daughters, and wives and moms, and they cannot imagine... Two things about that: thing the first: they knew all along what kind of monster he was and is. They were fine with that. This is what they wanted. Now it is too late to be scared because they have the monster by the ears and dare not let go. Thing two is is this: It is a little late to remember that men exist within a framework of women. Most people have a sister or a daughter or a wife, one of those. And everyone had a mom, if only for a while. Did they really think that someone who was so deep down ugly, would not speak and act that way? I cannot believe any of those old men were fooled. But I am damn sure their wives, mothers, daughters and sisters were not. If those old rich men were in a quandry, which I doubt, they should have asked their mothers.

I have been watching the footage of Hurricane Matthew. Very glad I don't live in Jax any more. Of course we had Sandy right here in Coney Island. We did not live in Coney then, but in Sunset Park which is much higher ground. We were not part of the flooding. And it is flooding from the sea that causes most of the trouble. Coney was devastated. Place has still not recovered. (For example, there is a little community garden here, with chickens and sucks and vegetables growing. It is cheerful to see, and a good idea. But I wish they would just grow flowers. I would not dare to eat anything grown in the soil here. It is full of contamination from years of ugly industry, which was sort of contained until Sandy.)

Looking at Florida, very strange to see places I knew, underwater. Still Florida will be ok. DR and Haiti will have a harder time. Lots of people here have family back there. They must be frantic with worry.

Hope you are all well.


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 8th, 2016 07:29 pm (UTC)
Maybe you might be interested in being a nanny? It can pay well and is ideal for anybody that enjoys kids/babies. Not for everybody, but worth thinking about. How about substitute teaching? If you have a college degree (and like kids), this can be a good job,too.

I agree with you that Trumf should have been 'called out' on this a long time ago!! Between that issue and his non-payment of contractors who built his "beautiful buildings" and his "University" scandal...WHAT were they THINKING when they chose this guy???

We are well and excited about our upcoming trip to Louisville KY to visit our youngest daughter!!
Oct. 8th, 2016 08:20 pm (UTC)
Yeah, working with supervision, especially close supervision can be detrimental for a lot of folks. I can put up with it, but I'd rather have the leeway to do the job on my own. That's one of the things I like about my current job... I'm pretty much my own boss. I know what needs to be done and simply do it. Once in a while the manager reminds me of something, or points something out, but.

As to the election, I'm pretty much at a loss as to who to vote for. Neither of the two major candidates really interest me. I'm half-ways thinking to write myself in. Not because I would want it or feel that I'm qualified, but as a statement about the quality of those running.
Oct. 8th, 2016 08:55 pm (UTC)
Yes. It is the supervision that does me in. As for election, I am sure a lot of long time republicans are in your boat. I am a lifelong democrat, but I do know that Mr Trump is not representative of most republican voters, who are honest and decent themselves in many cases.

As everything gets more polarized, it is hard for moderate people to know what to do.
Oct. 8th, 2016 10:41 pm (UTC)
A few years a go, a friend sent along (via e-mail, I think) a little quiz that would supposedly determine one's political leanings. I turned out to be conservative with a liberal streak! I've always pictured myself as pretty much middle of the road (aisle), more of a (I hope) common sense individual than one towing the party line. I think that is what we really need, and unfortunately neither "side", and especially the republicans seem to want to play that angle.
Oct. 9th, 2016 05:46 pm (UTC)
If the charity calling doesn't work out what about looking for something similar you can do from home but without the pressure of sales? At university I had a job calling students who had dropped out, essentially it was so the uni could get data on the reasons why. Most people were happy to talk to someone they didn't know and the reasons ranged from the typical to some crazy stories, someone's mum had ran off with her fancy man and cleared out the family business for example.

I think something like that would suit you, home based market research, less stress than sales.
Oct. 9th, 2016 05:49 pm (UTC)
Oh and yes, I would be interested in a remix! I've recently started writing a bit again although it's Marvel rather than Hornblower. I would also love to see your Marlowe stuff put together.
Oct. 10th, 2016 02:45 am (UTC)
Neat. Now we can see if anyone else jumps in! My Marlowe project is going to be a long slog through the swamp I fear. When I get something worth the candle maybe I can send it to you directly?
Oct. 10th, 2016 06:44 am (UTC)
Yes that would be great if you sent me a draft you were happy with, I'll put it on my e reader!
Oct. 12th, 2016 12:03 am (UTC)
I will do that, happily.
Oct. 11th, 2016 07:40 pm (UTC)
I work third shift to avoid micromanagement. Really sorry you are going through that. Based on your blog, I've found you to be consistent, competent and hard working.

Politics--so afraid either way.

Haven't seen the series you write in but do enjoy your work even without context.

I love your blog and wish you could do that for a living
Oct. 12th, 2016 12:07 am (UTC)
Those are great compliments indeed. I love your writing. I wish I could write for a living. At the moment I am writing for love. When I have a bad day at work I say to myself 'it is ok, because this is not all I am. I am actually someone who writes.' That helps, quite a lot.

I hope things will get easier, as I get more experience. But with what is essentially sales, you have to struggle every day from the beginning again.
Oct. 13th, 2016 08:07 pm (UTC)
Good luck with the fund-raising - I hope it works out really well.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )