Went shopping today. Food mostly. Did not have the car and so had to walk down to the place that delivers. It is over by Sea-Gate, and so carries things to please Russian grandmas mostly. Costs more than the commissary of course. Big trip there next week. And realized this is the first time in 25 years that I have dragged food home without my son being one of the ones to eat it. How many thousands of trips to the grocery store is that? I did not buy hummus, or the weird Russian birch soda he likes. I did not get the sprats. (I will send him a package soon with the sprats and things like that.) I got orange juice for daughter and husband. I do not, myself, drink the stuff.

Daughter stays away overnight often now, busy with friends. Husband has only stopped going to sea in 2007. But son was always there. It feels weird in my house, like wearing a shoe that is too big. It looks ok maybe, but our gait is off.

I also stopped off to buy clothes. In the last week Sabir has eaten all but one of my bras, and my last pair of sneaks. He also chewed through daughter's bathing suit. He is in utter disgrace. So new sneaks for me today. Cheap, plain white, (men's section because my feet are huge and also the men's cost less and last much longer.)

Saw a woman shopping with her kids, little boy and girl, boy I would guess 7 or 8, and girl 3 or 4. Little girl, glowing brown skin, hair in sticking out braids. She was wearing a shirt that said 'I am smart and strong, and I can do anything.' Bright pink shirt.
"I like your shirt," I said.
"I can read it," she said. And she did.
"You know what else?" she said.
"What?"
"I love everybody." She stretched he arms out to show how many everybody was.

That is how we start. That is how we all came into the world. So hard to hold onto though. So hard to save that for our kids. Maybe the best we can so is to struggle toward it, eyes open, once we are grown. In that moment, in the glow of her little girl smile I loved everybody too.