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Days of words and salad

It is hard, isn't it to write what really counts? We can sidle with words, strike a pose.

But I find that if I do not come back to write about about my real life, if I am not honest in words, then the words are denied me when I want them. Words of fiction are a reward for inner honesty.

Of course writing about my actual self is not fun the way Navyboys are fun. Fiction is like making a salad, everything put in gently, plump alive and green. This other, is work with a boning knife; cutting down, into what is or was alive.

You may notice I have not put a lot of fiction up recently.

It has all been harder of late. Bits of stories come, I am too tired, too preoccupied to reach for them. And if you don't take them and work them, they stop coming. (That much is true about the muse, though I don't really believe in her.)

Nothing is really worse here. Daughter finished high school, son is getting ready to leave. Husband taking summer classes. I am different. My steps slowed, my voice flattened, the sadness swells my throat, the tears behind my face. I have to push it down, or it will swamp me entirely. (Heeling over, heavy in the troughs between the waves water on the deck... I have to run before it, ride it out. Not get knocked sideways.) Words help. Words always help.

And I hope I have not worried anyone. I hope I have made sense. There will be fiction again. Salad days ahead. I just had to write this first.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
ba1126
Jul. 12th, 2016 08:25 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear that things are in a slump! Is it that not much is 'happening' to write about? Hope things pick up and you get back in the groove.
eglantine_br
Jul. 12th, 2016 11:49 pm (UTC)
I think the same amount of things are happening. The world is as wild and interesting as ever. The change is in me. But I feel better for having written it down.
ideealisme
Jul. 12th, 2016 11:11 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear this. Any chance there is a physical cause to this? Am asking because I thought in my own life I had some sort of low grade depression and then got bloodwork back from the hospital indicating I was anaemic. So very aware of this right now.

If not, then please ignore this post :)
eglantine_br
Jul. 12th, 2016 11:47 pm (UTC)
I should go in and get checked out, certainly. I have been anaemic before. I do have depression which I have to watch. Meds can work for years, and then stop working for no reasonable reason. That may be what is happening now.
bauhiniakapok
Jul. 13th, 2016 01:33 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you're feeling down. This last year has been a stressful one in our family (mostly financially) and the way I've kept my spirits up has been to escape into fiction as much as possible instead of thinking about the real world. Your writings have been one of my major escape routes. That is probably not helpful in any way, except perhaps to remind you that you are gifted and appreciated.
eglantine_br
Jul. 13th, 2016 03:58 am (UTC)
Knowing somebody is out there, reading my fics and liking them is hugely helpful. I am so pleased. It improved my whole day.
kellychambliss
Jul. 13th, 2016 03:53 pm (UTC)
So sorry, my dear; I know the feeling. I hope you'll feel better soon. Often these patterns are cyclical, and you can look for an upsurge.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )